Best Laid Plans

In June I had so much hope for this to become a creative writing summer. I signed up for another Camp NaNo and I was placed in the best of cabins with only other M/M authors. And they all contributed too, in the best of ways. It felt great. I had huge expectations.

Then life hit. Or more precisely, anxiety crept up on me and when it had set its claws in me I wasn't able to do much more than clean (and believe me, I never clean unless it is absolutely necessary, and often not even then) and cry.

It took me exactly four weeks to get up of that anxiety/fear pit and by then Camp NaNo was all over, and I had accomplished exactly four and a half hours of revising.

Well, from before I know summer is not my most productive time of year. It is simply impossible to sit down for longer periods of time when the rest of the family demands not only your physical presence, but your mental presence as well. Not that I was able to give them much of that with all my worrying going on.

Maybe I will steer clear of writing for a while (until the kids have moved out - it's only another ten years or so) and focus on reading. I really ought to widen my reading habits and I have already put a few titles on my To Read/Want To Read list. I contemplate reading in Swedish again ( and I have purchased a few titles for that intent too).

I have also contemplated whether I should try writing in Swedish, and whether I should write in an other genre. Maybe I shouldn't write romance - I'm not a romantic person, I don't believe in love at first sight or soul mates or any of that other romantic sap. Neither do I write genuine genre romance - I always want more realism in my love stories.

If I was to follow the old rule - write what you know- then I'd probably be writing suburbia family dramas, or possibly horror stories. Why? Because that's what I know. Of all emotions I am best familiar with anxiety and fear. Death fear is one particular feeling I  know up close. I know what it feels like to have your skin crawl with cold fear, your breath cut short and your muscles going tenser, and tenser and tenser until you just know that something very, very horrible is about to happen ... right about any time now.

Also I am afraid of the dark, of losing my loved ones, of confined places. I am afraid of pain and of the unknown ... and my list could go on and on and on, but you get the idea. And then I have not even started on the family drama, the mundane middle age life crisis ...

It's definitely enough material for a novel or three ... but do I want to go there?

What kind of romance am I writing?

Apart from the fact that at the moment I am not writing at all.

I have always considered myself writing romance. Ever since I stopped writing about horses getting stolen and dogs mysteriously appearing for the main character's benefit, that is. Since then I've preferred to write about characters falling in love and their struggle to get a relationship to work.

When I put fanfiction aside - after a short foray into the worlds of fandom - I continued to attempt writing romance. I have also read a number of creative writing crafts book, aimed at general fiction writing and genre fiction writing.

Three concepts makes themselves known, namely genre fiction, mainstream and literary fiction. A fourth concept is mentioned sometimes - commercial fiction. At times genre fiction and mainstream fiction are used synonymous, as are mainstream and commercial fiction. In romance though, there is definitely a difference between genre romance, mainstream romance, and probably - though I have yet not seen it - literary romance.

Genre romance has strict rules of what is and what is not allowed in its romances. The reader has a strong expectancy towards what they'll find when reading a genre romance, and many books are written on the subject. I've recently read Writing the Bestseller - romantic and commercial fiction (Jane Porter and Rebecca Lyles) a I've started Kate Walker's 12 point guide to writing romance. The first is a great book which I can recommend to anyone interested in writing about love, and the second seems to be just as good for the same purpose, and I recommend them both. Both are aimed towards genre romance - the kind of romance usually associated with specific publishers such as Harlequin Mills & Boons.

At a first glance it seems as if I am in fact writing genre fiction. A romance is a story about

• a man and a woman (although I usually have two men)
• a problem/conflict that keeps them apart
• a once in a lifetime love
• a happy ever after, or for modern romance a happy for now

I realize I have an issue with number three. I'm not a strong believer in soul mates or once in a lifetime love. A long time ago I read that if we had not found the partner we are currently with, we would have ended up with someone similar. It's all genetics and biology and maybe a little bit social heritage. My characters aren't destined for one another. They simply happens to be compatible and meet at a time and a point where things end favorably for them. Much as in real life.

Another tidbit about genre fiction that I've come across is the larger-than-life characters (heroes and heroines). what does larger-than-life mean? Maybe it's a language-barrier thing. But if it means what I've come to think it means, namely characters that are more, in every aspect of their beings, than real  life people - well, then I'm frankly not interested. I want and need my characters to be just like real life people, no more, no less. I don't want over the top handsome heroes or characters with more money that they can spend in ten lifetimes. I want the across the street neighbor, or the fellow commuter from the train I ride every morning.

Does this mean I don't write genre romance?

Then there's the definition of mainstream vs. literary fiction. After googling the phrase it is easy to understand that this is a big issue for many. It is also clear that for many mainstream, commercial and genre fiction is more or less the same. Whereas literary fiction has more focus on character-driven stories rather than plot-driven as is the case in genre or mainstream fiction. Another difference is that theme and motif is more important in literary fiction, as is the craft of writing itself. Literary fiction has more focus on structure and language in a way that is different from mainstream fiction.

A last there is those who differ between the three, as the author of the site Novel Writing Help. According to this man, mainstream can be seen as a medium way between the two more extreme. In this case, one can be writing a mainstream romance if you don't fit all the requirements genre romance has set for you.

Does that mean I write mainstream romance?

As for now I'd like to think I do aim for mainstream romance rather than genre romance. I definitely want to break some of the hard rules set by genre fiction, but I also want to write stories with a happy for now. Problem with mainstream fiction is that as a writer you don't have a given audience as you do when writing genre fiction. Mainstream fiction apparently sell by author name, and caters to a totally different audience than genre fiction.

Well, maybe I should think less about how to categorize my writing and actually start writing. It's not as if category matters at the moment.

The time I have ... or don't have

I recuperated from my first experience of Critique Circle. I made quite a lot of changes to my first chapter of the draft of First Impressions Second Chances, which is the novel draft I submitted for critique.

The main reason I signed up for Critique Circle is an acquaintance I made during Camp NaNoWriMo April edition. This same person has suggested I also join Scribophile, which I have. At first sight Scribophile seems to be a more lively site, with more active forums and made all in all more active participators. My connection says she thinks the critique she is getting at Scribophile is more thorough. I believe her, but I have still to do more than just log on a couple of times a weak.

My problem is time. I don't have enough of it. And these critique sites, groups whatever takes a lot of time. I'm not stupid. I realize that you get back what you put in, if you're lucky. And in order to put in I have to spend a lot of time on these sites. Time I don't have to begin with. Time I should spend on my real life work, on my family, on my own writing.

There simply isn't enough time.

So the question I ask myself is whether it twill truly pay off  if I spend even more time on a second site, instead of doing all these other things I should be doing?

Yes, I can learn a lot from reading other writer's work and critiquing it. But I am already reading a lot, and undoubtedly I learn from that too. And I could learn a lot more if I set my mind to it. I also read writer's handbooks on issues I know I have problem with.

Yes, it is great to be part of big writing community, but again, will my own writing improve so much I can say it's worth the sacrifice I have to do concerning the  time I can put on my own writing? I doubt it. After all the best way to learn how to write is to - yes, you're right - write.

Yes, it's great to get other writer's input on my own writing. And this is the one part I really like and I can clearly see how I benefit from it. But again, is it not better to stay more focused on one site, than trying to be active on two?

I've decided to keep my focus on Critique Circle at least for a few more weeks, to find out if it is possible to create a few connections with other writers. If it doesn't work out I may try out Scribophile. But then I really must spend time writing.

After I have done my real life work, and after I have spent time with my family.

My experience of Critique Circle

Well, I took the leap and signed up for Critique Circle.

So how did it go? It's probably too soon to say for sure, but so far I have mixed feelings about the experience.

First I signed up, browsed the site and tried out the different features. Among other things I filled out a few of the fields on "My profile"-page, and checked out the forums. I'm still a little disappointed the romance forum seems a bit slow, no one's been active there since the very beginning of May. The fantasy forum on the other hand seems pretty active, too bad it's not my cup of tea.

In order to submit my own writing I needed to critique a few other works first, so that's what I did next. Again, much of the works are fantasy, and honestly I don't feel experienced enough to make much comments in a genre I'm not all that familiar with. I was also a bit paralyzed by all the great writing by many of the members - what could I possibly attribute? finally I decided just to plunge in, head first so to say. I picked a work I felt I could help by providing both positive and constructive critique. From the responses I received I may not have been completely wrong or too blunt in the way I put it together.

Finally I submitted the first chapter of my novel draft, First Impressions, Second Chances. It is scary to put it out there in order to get critique. Despite that I'm an adult, despite that I on a daily basis are giving others critique (not quite of this kind, but it is still critique) I was terrified. At first I was terrified that no one should read or comment at all, which would be the worst of all, right? And then, this is my baby. I've put a lot of time and emotion into this work, and in this particular draft at a time when my life has been a turmoil of fear and sorrow and anxiety. It's not Nobel prize quality, it's not publishable quality, but I'd still like to imagine that there could be something worthwhile with it, something redeeming about it.

The second fear is that I'd get critique, and it would be all along the line that my writing was a complete waste of time and effort.

So how did it go? So, so, I'd say. It's difficult, if not impossible, to make anything out of three or four or five critiques. So far the response is tepid at best. No one of the critics are m/m romance readers (but at this point I don't think it would matter). One is bold and honest enough to outright say that what I've written is boring, dull with too much focus on trivial details. That one hurt.

Among some friends of mine we used to say the worst opinion to give about someone was to say: "At least s/he is kind." It's like saying that person is so bland, so average, so dull that you in all honesty have nothing else to say about them. And that's how I felt about the boring comment. As if anything but boring could have been correctable.

It doesn't help if your writing is technically good, if you know how to handle multiple point of views or if you're a grammar wizard. None of that matters if your characters are flat and the plot is dragging. It's like that saying - horrible grammar and spelling can be corrected, but if you don't have an interesting story to tell, there's no point.

As for now, I think it would be impossible to put the entire 20 chapters of First Impressions, Second chances through Critique Circle. I don't think there would be anyone interested enough to keep reading. And if it was possible I think it would take too long. When I recover from the "too boring" part I may put it up at Fictionpress and maybe Wattpad. That way, I'd at least be able to find a few readers.

But I'd still like to get critique on my writing. Maybe I'll try to put up some writing exercises instead. For one, I think it would be easier to get critique on shorter pieces. For the second I think it would be easier to get critiques on pieces that isn't part of a bigger work, but stand alone pieces. For the third, it would give me a possibility to improve, and maybe, just maybe, become a little less boring.

To do, or not to do ...

Indecision should be my second name, because it is one of my most noticeable personality traits.

During April I participated in NaNoCamp edition, after I had spent a lot of time thinking about whether I was really certain that I wanted to do it. I'm glad I did,or I would not have written the first draft of Journey Home. I also got to know some nice writers. Now, the other thing is - I am easily, too easily intimidated, and when the matter of joining some sort of critique group I am at the same time both intrigued - thinking of course I should and I can and it will be fun etc, etc - and I am terrified - what if I have nothing to offer, what if my writing is not up to par, what if I am a hopeless case that will never improve, and what if I lose interest after a while or am too busy with real life in order to make something productive of it all and have spent other peoples time in vain.

See, how indecisiveness can mess it up for me?

So should I or shouldn't I join a critique group online? Can I practically squeeze it in between a full-time job and family and occasional health issues?

Argh, I should just hit the 'create account'- button and look around the site in order to find out whether it is something for me!

What's this about a pen name?

I've decided to use a pen name. If any of you have ever tried coming up with an idea for a new name, you'll know just how difficult it is.

The name I've used since I picked up writing again (I wrote stories the old fashioned way on a typewriter back in the day when computers were very expensive and pretty rare, and then I had a family and no time for writing)  a couple of years back was a hasty decision. I was setting up an account at livejournal and in order to do so I needed a username. The name I originally wanted was not available. I panicked and and rushed it. I needed that name and I needed it immediately.

The result was sorgbarn, deliberately spelled with a first lower case letter, even though it is a personal name. In fact it is a fictional character's name from a 19th century novel by a Swedish author. The name means child of sorrow. In hindsight I can see how I made several mistakes choosing that particualr name.

The first mistake is that it is too long to be easily remembered. The second is that it is not internationally useful. Unless you're Scandinavian it is difficult to pronounce, hence even more difficult to remember. For the third, it's meaning is depressing, and who wants a depressed romance writer.

This time I wanted to do better. Then why not use my given real life name? Well, again for several reasons. I could easily have used my first name, which is easy to pronounce and easy to remember, and it's common enough for me to blend in and stay unrecognized by those I don't want to come out to as a romance hobby writer.

Also I wish to keep my professional life apart from my writing life. I want to be able to know that not everybody at work or in the neighborhood knows that I write romance with explicit sex scenes in them.It makes it a lot easier to let loose when writing those exact scenes. I'm not ashamed, I just like to be private.

The surname is a different story. It is very Scandinavian, difficult to say for anyone not from here, which again is making it unnecessarily difficult to remember.

I wanted a new name. A name suitable for a romance writer - not that I think I will ever officially publish anything. I still wanted a name easy to read, easy to say out loud and easy to remember. I wanted it to be catchy. Like a real romance writer, just in case I should ever get as good as the real kind of authors.

I have my reasons for the name I chosen. Best of all, I like it. I hope I will continue to like it, because I'm tired of thinking up new names. It's difficult enough to make them up for fictional characters, for real life use it is even harder.